Today is Christmas…
In the way that Brazilians do, dinner and gift-giving happened yesterday on Christmas Eve. I am so blessed to be able to celebrate another holiday with my family. Another year of me and my cousin getting drunk off sparkling grape juice, me forcing everyone to go around the table and say what they’re happy for this Holiday season, and hearing again that I’m “too hard to shop for” even though I don’t agree with that at all.
I leave for my Fulbright Grant in 52 days. I am grateful to be feeling less nervous and more excited about this next chapter of my life. Fear is a tricky thing. You can spend your whole life trying to fight it, just for it to get worse. I’ve learned that you have to be intentional. Anxiety is natural, and deep down she’s my best friend. I wouldn’t be who I am today without her. You can’t be brave if there is nothing to be scared of.
At the same time, fear is just not my spiritual truth. Even living with PTSD, I have the spirit of power, love, and peace. I just kinda know that. Sometimes you go through scary things so that you have the opportunity to build a good relationship with fear. The best things in life can also be scary, so you gotta be prepared for it.
The love that surrounds me, this Fulbright, my career—I needed to be prepared for how scary it would all feel when I received it. At least that’s how I make sense of the scary things I’ve had to go through.
My girl Audre Lorde once said:
“When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.”
She was so real for that. Simply, there are more important things than fear.
Besides trying to figure out who’s fixing to upgrade my ticket to first class and sponsor my going away party in ATL, I don’t really have anything new to share about Brazil.
Merry Christmas.